With a heavy heart : (

MAY 2002 - AUGUST 12, 2012 - OUR DAYS TOGETHER

Sadly I am posting that Sunday, August 12, 2012 was Roxy's last day.
Her spiral downhill was rapid and the tough decision to put her to rest was made.
On our last morning we went out for our morning walk and it was very apparent that Roxy did not want to be here anymore. She was extremely bloated and when she  got out of the wagon she tried to urinate, she squatted down but nothing came out. I tried to help her walk a couple more steps and she really resisted. I was able to get her to void some, but it was a small volume. I knew that this was the day. My best guess is that her brain was not talking to her organs the way it should or that the feelings that tell us what to do were diminished. Keep in mind all of her movements were fully assisted.

She had a wonderful day at the park with ice cream and then a bone in ribeye steak for dinner. Then some beef carpaccio and some tasty pastas. We had the people from Choice Home Vet come over and administer the medicine at 7pm. Her last moments were licking ice cream out of  my hand. She then fell asleep and she felt at complete peace. She had a light snore, and it occurred to me that she probably hadn't slept soundly in a very long time.  She felt really happy and at peace. As bad as it was, it was a wonderful moment. She went out happy and content.

The problem wasn't that she couldn't urinate, the problem was that her body was shutting down piece by piece. Her left legs did not know what they were doing, and as hard as she tried, her body was not working. Her sleep was restless and thrashing.

I feel horribly guilty, racking my brain for something else I could have done. It has been confirmed by
her veterinarians that there was nothing that we could have done for a different outcome.
Wednesday I went for a run and about halfway through the run I felt beautiful Roxy running along my side. The happy excited running girl she used to be. The odd thing is that when I left the park I no longer felt her along my side. Roxy stayed at the park : )

Roxy's love stays with me and she worked really hard through these personal struggles. I found a blog that talks about when a dog no longer enjoys their quality of life.   I read this article after she was gone, but it shed some clarity on whether Roxy was enjoying her life as a dog should. She was still content laying her head on my lap, but the physical struggles were hard and I felt that she was very tired from the simple task of (fully assisted) getting out of bed to the sofa. I was fearful that her brain was shutting organs down as well as her  motor function. I am not sure if it was fear or premonition that something global was going to go really bad and she wouldn't have the luxury of having some last moments of enjoyment.

These decisions are extremely  difficult and very personal. We all have our own comfort levels of what we feel is right, and when that decision should be made. We all do our best with what we have.

Crap, downturn

How quickly things can change. Just two weeks ago Roxy was happy chasing squirrels, not she is back on the prednisone. Thursday 6/28 Roxy seemed rather tired and Friday 6/29 she started wobbling again. Her back legs seem to really have a hard time listening to her brain. I was out of town for the weekend, but was told she seemed rather good, playing, etc. I picked her up last night and she seemed ok, but tired. This morning when she got out of bed her back legs were very wobbly and when she turned the corner to go out of our bedroom she fell down to a sitting position. I took her for her morning walk and she was very wobbly and seemed quite dizzy. I called Dr. Lyon and Dr. Carlsen and they both suggested that she go back on the prednisone and also see a neurologist. We have an appointment for Thursday morning. I came home from lunch to start her prednisone and she was in bed, it was troublesome to see her raising her head in a wobbly manner, and I noticed her ears had started to drop again. I gave her 10mg of prednisone and went back to work. When I came home she was feeling a little better. I took her for her afternoon walk and she is still quite wobbly with the drunken gait, but more alert than this morning. She ate her dinner and then went to bed. She has been off the prednisone since the end of April - about 2 months. Dr. Lyon said that sometimes the cyberknife results come in waves, so hopefully she will spring back. So sad to see the downturn, but so grateful that for the most part she has been feeling really well for the 18 weeks since the treatment. I am trying not to worry, but my heart is heavy. Sending love to all of my other cyberknife doggies and those who care so deeply for them. I will give an update after the visit with the neurologist. I am guessing another MRI is going to be needed to see what is really going on in her sweet little head.

XO